Managing Money with a Partner: Money Languages

My partner hates my budgeting spreadsheets. And I’m okay with that…

When I built out a complex spreadsheet for our spending plans I was so proud and couldn’t wait to share its glorious beauty, function, and flow with my husband. I expected excitement and fascination with lots of ooh’ing and ahh’ing sprinkled in, but the reality was… muted appreciation but not excitement.

I couldn’t believe it. All this work, look at the care it took to flow this page into that one and tie it all out in a dashboard. And he. Doesn’t. Even. Care. The nerve!

As it turns out, not everyone is a Spreadsheet Person.

I like to compare this to speaking different languages. If we had a problem to solve and I spoke only French and he only spoke Japanese, we probably couldn’t get it done. I would need to learn some basic Japanese and he’d need to learn some French to get us on the same page.

I’m a visual processor. I have to SEE what I’m thinking through to make sense of it. My husband, on the other hand, is a verbal processor. He needs to talk through things and hear them out loud to process them. He somehow keeps the numbers organized and sorted out in his head.

I have no idea how. Because my brain doesn’t work that way.

I also have no idea how many times I’ve exhaled loudly with an exasperated, “if he’d only look at my spreadsheet he’ll understand what I’m talking about!”

Does frustration solve the problem, ladies & gentlemen? No it does not. Does trying to force two people who don’t speak the same language to talk at each other solve the problem? No it does not.

I can’t change the way he processes information. Forcing him to use a tool that isn’t useful will only drive him away from engagement. We won’t be much of a team if we can’t work together.

I’ve got to learn a bit of Japanese or he isn’t going to want to talk to me.

Do I still use my beautiful spreadsheet? You bet your bottom dollar, I do! But when we have budget meetings, do we stare at it and go through the weeds line by line? Nope.

In order to work together, I have to convert my math problems into his word problems.

I look at my sheets, and I jot down the high points to talk through… and then I ask his opinion.

A real conversation from February of this year:

Me: “Hey, our grocery budget is getting tight with two weeks left. How do you think we could rein it in?”

Him: “Okay, so how much is left per week?”

“$190, per week.”

“Okay, well we’ve got plenty of meat to get through next week; we can grab some potatoes and onions and cook them with the roast on Sunday. That should give us enough for leftovers the next day so there’s Monday. (Explores the freezer) There’s some sausage in here… and we can make some pasta for one meat-free night and use up this pasta sauce we’ve got…”

Teamwork.

If he needs to see the sheet to understand a piece of the conversation I’ll gladly pull it up. But otherwise we leave it on the computer for me to update and admire later.

And you know what? It turns out he does care. And he does appreciate the work I’ve put into the planning and tracking. It’s just not the format he needs for planning. Once he has the word problem, he works his problem-solving magic in ways I could only dream.

And we also work together in reverse. He’s got to learn some French to keep me in the conversation, too, so he’ll guide me through an idea with numbers so I can see and understand.

After last Christmas, we sat down for a budget meeting and he articulated that he felt uncomfortable with the holiday budget we’d had. It didn’t feel like enough and he’d felt bad about scrimping on a few of our loved ones.

“Where do we have room in the budget to cut back so we could increase our monthly savings for Christmas? Holiday giving is important to me, and with the rising cost of… everything… I’d like to get to where we can spend a bit more next year.”

That was my cue to clack away at the spreadsheet to find a few more bucks each month to earmark for holiday savings. And we found it. We canceled a couple unnecessary subscriptions and trimmed some fat out of a few other categories. With a whole year to plan, we got to his desired outcome pretty quickly.

Teamwork.

It has taken us years to understand this dynamic and hone this practice. We’ve had our fair share of arguments because I want him to look at budgeting my way and he wants me to do it his. And we definitely haven’t achieved perfection. But we’re growing and learning the other’s money language.

You don’t have to think exactly the same way that your partner does to be able to effectively manage money together. You just have to be willing to figure out what language they speak, learn a few key words and phrases, and be open to growth.

Effective money management with a partner requires flexibility and understanding. While it’s natural to gravitate toward tools and methods that work best for us individually, it’s crucial to recognize and respect our partner’s preferences and processing styles. Just as in any relationship, communication is key. Rather than trying to force one method onto both parties, it’s more productive to find common ground and adapt to each other’s needs. By embracing differences and learning to speak each other’s financial language, couples can work together towards their shared goals, fostering a stronger, more collaborative partnership in both finances and in life.

Need some prompts to help in your own budgeting partnership? I got you! Schedule a consultation, and let’s learn yours and your partner‘s money languages and get moving on your money goals.